For years, I have been floating down this river, no land in sight. I don’t remember how I got here and have no clue how to leave. I never know where the whimsy of its currents will take me.

For a long time, a current of denial led the way. All the pain, the loss, the sadness, the grief was buried underneath muddy water. Never allowing me to see things as they really were.

One day, suddenly, the currents changed. A current of awareness took over, drawing my attention to things beneath the surface. The things I had all too happily ignored. Things that had gathered below and created muddy waters. When I saw them clearly, I could no longer ignore the messy things around me, no longer pretend that I was okay.

And that’s when a current of grief came to take me under, nearly drowning me in its fierceness. Over time, I learned to surrender to it and it eventually let me go.

A current of healing came next, guiding me down the river, drawing my attention to the muddy things inside of me. Things I forgot existed – or never knew were there.

Suddenly, I began to realize I’d been letting the currents toss me to and fro for too long. I needed to figure out where I wanted to go and build the strength to swim there on my own.